Massive Depression
by Zed1
Summary: Chapter 3...what is this? Note Moved to a higher rating.
1. Default Chapter

First off, I would like to say that this is my first fic, and second, I do not own any of the metroid characters, the simpsons, Dragonball Z, or Oh My Goddess!. That is all. Enjoy!  
  
The depths of Magmoor caverns, the one place (let alone the whole planet) Samus did not destroy. It was a place of tranquility, a place to reflect, a place to forget your defeats.for a dragon. You see, the great Space Pirate General Ridley has come to a place like this to find a cure to his massive depression.  
  
Ridley was slumped over a rock, looking down on the bubbly action the magma provided. He was so depressed that he started to sing. Nobody else in the whole entire world that is Tallon IV heard him singing before. This could mean trouble.  
  
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows the sorrow."  
  
"General Ridley, your dinner sir?" A former Power Trooper asked. After the many defeats the pirates suffered thanks to the hunter in metal clad, this Power Trooper gave up his career as a soldier to pursue a career in cooking. He now has a job as Ridley's chef (and waiter, since he has to bring Ridley food to the table).  
  
"Ah yes.my food. Did you get that Shadow Pirate to get me the comic books I've requested? I cannot eat without reading my comic books at the same time.why is he late? I told him to be back at 25 past 12!" His voice echoed across the room.  
  
"Sir, with all due respect, the comic books you requested are in the nearest solar system. According to my calculator, he should be back in five minutes."  
  
"Excellent." Ridley replied sorta like Mr. Burns off the Simpsons. But he would not touch his food until he got his comic books. The "Chef" thought he was a total asshole all the time, but during dinner he is a lot worse.  
  
If silence could kill, the former power trooper would've been dead and thrown into the pit of lava a long time ago. He wished Kraid were here because he's the only one that could say anything at any time, obviously kill this deadly silence and even make fun of the general. Ordinary space pirates like himself, even if they breathed wrong, would get punished. And by punished I mean a 50% ration cut, overtime hours of work without overtime pay.  
  
Ding-Dong!  
  
"Let him in. Now I can start my feast." Ridley waved to the chef as a motion to let the shadow trooper in.  
  
"What took you so long? You know what kind of an asshole he can be when he doesn't get his goddamn comic books!" The chef was whispering to the shadow pirate, who was sweating and breathing heavily.  
  
"Sorry, got distracted."  
  
"Distracted?!" The chef sounded astonished.  
  
"Well.you know what kind of street that comic book shop is at, right?"  
  
"Hmm.let me think. I know exactly what kind of street it's in because I cook 23 hrs a day, and I get loads of free time in my hands."  
  
"What's taking so long? I want my comic books NOW!" Ridley yelled, slamming his fist on the table to emphasize his demand. Sometimes he can sound like a big, whiny 5-year-old human as well. Space pirates detested the times he was like this. Hell, they detested him all the time, just like anyone hates their boss. The shadow trooper came into the lava-adorned room.  
  
"Here are your comic books, sir." The shadow pirate said, with a hint of hesitation. He did not look at Ridley, that way he thought, would hide his hesitation a bit better.  
  
He left the room soon after, bid his farewell, and closed the door behind him.  
  
"I must say, you've outdone yourself once again, chef. This is the most excellent feast." Ridley said, between gulps of soup. "Now let's see what Freeza is up to in this month's Dragon Ball Z."  
  
"Here, I'll read it to you, since you don't get much entertainment here I presume." Ridley offered. "Ahem." He cleared his throat.  
  
"No. True happiness." he turned the page. It seemed that he didn't take a close look at the pictures. ".Can only come from within. It cannot be given, even as a gift. To feel as you wish, with free will, even though you may feel sorrow.." At this point, the chef noticed several veins popping out of Ridley's skull. But he kept reading, getting angrier at every word. "Is worth infinitely more.. than a heart filled with empty joy. MY DEAREST KEIICHI???!!!' WHAT IN THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL IS THIS?!" He flipped to the cover. The title read Oh My Goddess! Queen Sayoko Part 4 of 5.  
  
Ridley was also known as a raging lunatic. In such rages, personnel were required to leave the room immediately. He flipped the table; plates and food smashed the floor. The chef was devastated, but there was no time for that now, he had to evacuate from the room. It was too late.  
  
Ridley was too quick for the lone chef, wrapped his tail around him, squeezing the air out of him.  
  
"I want you to FIND the prick that did this to ME! You hear me? And when you do, see to his execution."  
  
He tossed the pirate across the room and into the door. The chef scrambled up to his feet, looked at the general with such great disgust, felt the door, and left the room.  
  
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows the sorrow."  
  
Who can save Ridley from his depression? What was the food he was eating? Would the chef pirate say, "shove it, Ridley, I quit!" and pursue yet another better career as a stock broker? And what about the street the shadow pirate visited? Toon in next time for another (exciting?) episode of Massive Depression! 


	2. The talented MrRidley

Disclaimer: This is overdone, but if you MUST know, I don't own Metroid or any of the characters associated with the game. I don't own N'Sync, nor do I like them. I don't own Shonen Jump, but I do own several monthly mags. I don't own SpAcEy mags, nor do they exist (thank god). Now with that settled....  
  
Chapter 2: The Talented Mr.Ridley  
  
"Great, not only do I cook 23 hours a day, but on my 1 hour rest, I have to find the "prick" that got Ridley the stupid OMG! mangas..." said the chef irritably. He walked in circles around his room. It consisted of a bunk bed, a radio, a few hundred cd's and a few dozen SpAcEy (porno) mags. He knew exactly who the prick was: his friend who slept on the top bunk.  
  
Knock! Knock!  
  
Chef (that's what everyone called him, it's either Chef or Power Trooper 69) reached over to open the door. It was his best buddy Shadow Pirate 68, out of breath and panting like a dog.  
  
"You're not gonna turn me in, are you?" 68 asked as he handed Chef more SpAcEy mags.  
  
"What the hell? I got my ass kicked, for something YOU did, and you want to get off scotch free? I mean, WHAT THE FUCK? Do you realize what you put me through? And what's up with the OMG! mangas? Don't you know that his favourite mangas are-"  
  
"Dragonball Z." They said together.  
  
"Yeah I know, I thought it would brighten him up, everyone is trying to come up with a plot to kill him anyways, and all the scientists that worked on Project Meta Ridley have either been killed or committed suicide!" 68 explained.  
  
"What can we do? Ridley's out of control ..." Chef said. He was tired of everything, the cooking, Ridley's constant bitching ... he knew that there must be some way to calm him down or kill him.  
  
"I KNOW!" 68 jumped up, pointing up to the sky and looking mighty proud of himself.  
  
"We can put shrooms on his daily soup, play the song "Rico Suave" by Gerado, and get a whole lot of strippers to give him lap dances!" 68 still pointing at the sky, eagerly waiting a response from Chef.  
  
"That has TO BE THE BEST PLAN EVER! I'll go get the soup ready!" Chef jumped around excitely, resembling a 12 year old girl at an N'Sync concert.  
  
"Yeah I know! Aren't I a genius? Oh, and with our cd collection, I'm pretty sure I have that song somewhere-"  
  
Before either of them had a chance to put their plan into action, a familiar angry voice rang through the halls: "CHEF!!!!!!!" Ridley snarled, shaking the whole compound. "WHERE'S MY DINNER???????"  
  
"Oh ... shit!!!!" Chef and 68 scrambled out of the room, hastily getting everything ready. Chef started making the soup, while 68 went to the nearest galaxy to gather all they needed: a copy of Shonen Jump(they ran out of DBZ monthly) talked to the galaxy's strippers and drug dealers.  
  
68 burst into the kitchen. "Here are the shrooms!" He gave them to Chef, who tossed them in the soup. "Excellent! What about the strippers?"  
  
"Yeah, they're coming ...but I had to use up our life savings ..."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Just joking, you should've seen the look on your face!" 68 pointed and laughed.  
  
Chef came out of the kitchen with a food cart. He served Ridley his soup, while 68 handed him the Shonen Jump.  
  
"What the hell? I specifically asked for DBZ!" Ridley snapped. He still hasn't forgotten LAST time.  
  
"Well, this HAS DBZ, plus other comics as well." 68 said in his defence. "Really...? Well done. Oh, and Chef, put some salt in my soup." Chef had to fight to hold back a sneer: the salt shaker was RIGHT BESIDE HIS HAND. But Chef did it anyways, without question of course ... crappy as it was, Chef valued his life.  
  
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Ridley demanded, noticing both pirates were staring at him. They immediately turned around and stared at the ceiling. They would've whistled a tune of innocence, but that would've been too obvious.  
  
"Very good, like always, Chef, you've outdone yourself..." Ridley snickered, "outdone yourself....hehehehehehehehe...HE!" Ridley fell off the chair, laughing his ass off. Both pirates were astounished, surprised, and just a little bit worried.  
  
"Are you ok?" They both asked at the same time. Ridley looked up and saw 2 sexy dragons talking to him, asking if he wanted to have a threesome with them.  
  
"Why sure! I'll do both of you! Ya wanna see the modifications the scientists gave me?" Ridley said as he was walking closer to the 2 scared pirates.  
  
"Uh...Chef? Did he just ask if we wanted to see his "modifications?"" 68 asked, backing away from Ridley, who was walking very slowly towards them. Chef couldn't say anything, the sight is way too horrific. Ridley must be hallucinating because of the effects of the shrooms, and he must think that they were 2 SpAcEy playmates or something.  
  
"Let's get the HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!" They both screamed and sprinted away from Ridley.  
  
"Oh, I know, you're racing me to your bedroom, right? Oh, alright, we can play this for a little while..." Ridley said with a little tune to go with it. He started running as well.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!!! SAVE US!!!!!!! ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
One of the strippers got bored in the room they were staying in, so she(?) pressed play on the cd player.  
  
Rico.....Suave......Rico.....Suave.......  
  
"If Ridley catches us, this could turn into a really bad porno!" 68 yelled at Chef. Suddenly the door burst open. 68 and Chef thought it was the strippers, but in fact, it was none other than the hunter in Chozo armor, Samus Aran.  
  
"I got reports that Ridley is still.... alive...." Samus trailed off when she noticed Ridley was chasing two of his own pirates and yelling excitedly, "So when are we going to your room? I'm getting bored of this game!", the song by Gerado playing, and Samus watched as the two space pirates, filled with terror, desperately trying to run away from their horny boss. All she could do was back off slowly, close the door behind her, and bolted the hell out of there.  
  
"NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!! SAMUS!!!!!!!! COME BACK!!!!!! PLEASE KILL HIM!!!!!!!"  
  
******  
  
The aftermath...  
  
Chef woke up to what seemed a fine morning. He yawned and gazed at the beautiful morning sky outside. For a brief moment he listened to the birds, or whatever the hell was out there, sing.  
  
Ridley won't be up for another couple of hours, so I can sleep in. Chef thought to himself. He stretched out on the bed ... well, he attempted to, but the bed seemed to have more occupants ...  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 


	3. When somebody told me

I completely forgot about this fic. Then a few days ago I looked at the Metroid fan fics and I'm like, "Hey, don't I have a fic written?" I had to go back 14 pages to find it. Since I had nothing better to do over the weekend (besides going to the casino to play roulette), I decided to write. Warning: This is not a Pulitzer Prize written piece of work. Warning #2: God knows when I'll put up chapter 4.

Disclaimer: I do not own Metroid, South Park, Dave Chapelle(quote), 4 Strings, Futurama and other stuff. SpAcEy porno magazines and videos do not exist, thank god.

* * *

Chapter 3: When somebody told me that you have a boyfriend, who looks like a girlfriend…

Whew, it's just the strippers… Chef thought to himself. He'd better get to the kitchen and prepare Ridley a greasy breakfast, after all, after a trip like that he has to make the greasiest food ever conceived. "But wait a minute." Chef thought. "Where is Ridley? And more importantly," he looked down in disgust, "Why am I stepping on a huge pile of used condoms?"

68 got up from a huge pile of blankets on the floor. "Did I get laid last night?" he said while looking around with confusion.

Chef pointed at the pile of condoms," Well, some of us released some pressure yesterday, that's for sure."

One of the strippers commented, "Wow, I sure had fun yesterday in that orgy…it was you two, plus a much bigger one..." she extended her arms (?) to show how big Ridley was.

They both wondered, "Hmm…where is Ridley anyways? And were we in an orgy with Ridley?"

Both of them started to throw up, Chef ran to the bathroom. "I'm going to take 3 showers! Hopefully I'll feel clean again!" He said while scrubbing soap furiously across his arm.

"Hey," 68 yelled to be louder than the shower. "It's not considered…you know, "gay" unless he forced it in us, and I doubt that happened. Plus, haven't you seen SpAcEy porno?"

Chef came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him. "Ok, let's make a deal, this never gets out." 68 agreed.

"What about us? With a couple of bills you can shut us up too!" the strippers demanded.

Ridley, on the other hand, did not have a pleasant night, or so he thought. For one thing, he did not know how he appeared in Phendrana Drifts, or why he had words written all over him (and in some parts shaving cream, and toothpaste), but all he knew is that he was freezing. He looked at the words but they were all upside down. He tried to make an effort to read the words but there was no time for that, several Sheegoths came up to the space pirate leader, and started to growl at him.

"What? You DARE growl at me? Do you know who I am? I said do YOU know who I AM?!" Ridley yelled, clenching one fist close to his face. The Sheegoths did not answer, but looked at each other in confusion. _But no matter_, they thought in unison, and charged at the dragon, after all, the cold weather must have frozen his wings, and thus making him an easy kill.

But Ridley was underestimated. He ran up to one of them and back-handed it across the face. He looked behind his shoulder, and saw a Sheegoth jumping towards his face, Ridley ducked and swirled around, whipping his tail across the Sheegoth's side. Another Sheegoth took advantage of Ridley being busy with the others fighing him, it threw an iceblast torwards the dragon. He countered with a fireball, and the charges fizzled. Now all of the Sheegoths were seriously re-considering fighting Ridley, and they ran away to the mountains.

"And don't you come back! Yeah! …Oh I got nothing…" Ridley looked down in shame. "Must be that weird soup that chef gave me last night, I can't think straight."

But then he felt the ground shake. He looked at a nearby puddle, and ripples where seen on the surface of the water. He looked up, and the mother of the small Sheegoths appeared.

"Now THERE's a challenge! You want a piece of me? Well, come and get it!" Ridley motioned the creature to come closer. The Sheegoth growed and the epic battle begun.

Back in Magmoor caverns, Chef lying on his bed with nothing to do, thinking about what happened to Ridley last night. First he thought Ridley died accidentally by falling in the lava, but then he realized that he bathed in lava(and some poor space pirate assisted in sponge baths…with ultra high heat resistance sponges no less. The thought of that made Chef queasy.). So what was holding Ridley up? Why wasn't he yelling like a human child and slamming his fist on the table demanding breakfast? Plus, breakfast hour ended 3 hours ago…

"Hey Chef? Isn't it sweet? Ridley died last night!" 68 exclaimed.

"How do you know? I won't believe it unless I see Omega Pirate slurping Ridley's brains out of his skull through his eye socket with a straw." Chef stated with his chin up and arms crossed.

"Wow, looks like you put a lot of thought into that one." 68 looked at Chef with bewilderment.

"What? Don't look at me that way! We both agree that Ridley deserves to die in the worst way possible." Chef said, justifying his previous statement.

"Anyways," 68 continued, "I got reports from Operations in Phendrana Drifts, Major Space Pirate 2 confirmed that while he had to take a piss and had fun writing his name on the snow, he saw a magnificent sight!" 68 explained, while looking up at the ceiling and opening his hands. "He saw Ridley and a huge Sheegoth fighting, and the Sheegoth won! It snapped Ridley's neck in half with just one bite! Then he ran off to report the news."

"I doubt it. How did he get there anyways? And where's the body?"

68 rolled his eyes. "Major Space Pirate 2 doesn't know, and the Sheegoth ate it, duh!" Chef couldn't help but smack his hand on his forehead.

The actual truth: Yes, Ridley got in a fight. But a huge Sheegoth couldn't take down the Space Pirates Army Chief of Staff. "Wait…" Ridley just thought. "Did you just call me 'Army Chief of Staff?' What kind of drugs are you on?"

Sigh The "general" would like to retell the story now.

"That's better. So I did get in a fight with the Sheegoth, but it had nothing on me. Yes, it did bite my neck but not hard enough apparently. I was able to outsmart the stupid beast by tripping it with my tail, then I jumped on its back, grabbed its neck and twisted it really fast, you know, like in those badly dubbed kung-fu movies." Ridley reenacts the move with his hands. "I was like, 'whoa' and it totally, like, died!" he looked surprised, "Wait, did I sound like a stoner just now?" he wondered.

Ridley was flying towards Magmoor caverns. "Watch out assholes, General Ridley is back!" But then he turned to a different direction. "…Right after I cosplay as Shenron at the Anime Convention X on Earth! Hahahahaha! Now to buy green spray paint…" Ridley looked around from one side to the other, making sure no one was hearing him.

Magmoor caverns did not look like Magmoor caverns anymore. Now it was decorated like some underground(literally) techno / trance dance club. The walls were all painted black, there were strobe lights everywhere, and of course, former Major turned DJ was mixing "beats" as he liked to call them. Space Pirates didn't need flourescent bracelets or necklaces, they just waved their glowing scythes in robotic moves.

_Love is blind…Love is blind…Love is blind…_

Chef was doubting Ridley's death, and was looking down at his drink at the bar. 68 came up to him waving these glowing sticks in the air.

"What's up with you? Everyone is celebrating Ridley's death! You should come celebrate…" 68 was interrupted by the DJ, who said in an over-exagerated sad tone, "And now to give a eulogy to my dear friend, Ridley …oh who am I kidding? Let's dance like it was 2499!" 68 continued, "Anyways, what I was saying…OOOOH, SpAcEy playmates!" and ran off.

Chef groaned. "Do I have to be like Samus and try to find Ridley and kill him myself? There's no way he's dead, he somehow always resurrects, like that Kenny kid on South Park… or maybe…"

He rushed back to his room, and checked the calendar. "What day is it today…" he slid his finger(?) to a circled day on the second week. "Oh shit!" He ran back to the dance club and was pushing his way through the dance floor, trying to find 68.

"Ok ladies, 3 at a time…ok, maybe 4! …let's go back to …my …wait! Where do I live? Oh well…let's go to…the General's room! Ridley's dead…what a nice tribute to his …death by screwing on his royal…bed!" 68 held a bottle of vodka up high, "I'm Ridley now, bitch!" he could barely say any legitimate sentences, but all the playmates giggled while carrying him to the royal chambers. Chef finally caught up to him.

"68! We have to go to earth to that anime convention Ridley was going to! Remember? And you had to buy the costume…"

"I can't…understand you…can you..not tal..k all…" 68 started waving his arms in circles, "nerdy like? You're…not…cool…"

"Shut the fuck up! Ridley's not dead! I can sense it!" Chef yelled while shaking 68 from his collar.

"Did you… just say, 'I can smell it?' Hahahaha… you're so gross, Chef!" 68 said while pointing at him.

"sigh Right now you're no use to me, but by the time we're on Earth you should be sobered up by then…Sorry ladies, maybe some other time." Chef grabbed 68 by one of his arms and put it around him, dragging him out of the room.

"No, screw this…I'll…go to my…own dance club, with blackjack…and hookers!" And because he was to drunk, 68 just bowed his head went along with it.

"Now, let's go to Earth!"

How did Ridley appear in Phendrana Drifts? What obscene language was written all over him? Will Chef and 68 arrive on Earth in time? Will they have to wear diapers so they don't have to make any rest stops? These questions and many more will be answered in the next chapter! Special appearance by Samus Aran!


End file.
